"I would like to cash this check, please."
No one hears what happens but I do.
I shifted my voice. The teller, "Jennifer" doesn't know it, but I've had changed my voice for her.
"And you have an account here?" she asks me.
She can't find me in their computer. She's going to need an ID.
I calmly tell her that the bank had misspelled my last name when they opened the account and it was never corrected. She nods and counts my money out to me.
The whole exchange lasts no longer than five minutes but by the time I leave, I finally feel like I can breathe. I get into the car with Noah and joke about robbing banks. We laugh about that and I notice I have shifted back. I'm using my "normal voice" with Noah because I'm relaxed. But with Jennifer, I used my high register, nothing-but-professional voice. In other words. . . my white voice.
I learned how to use my white voice from my mother. Mary was all professional when taking care of business on the phone. I could hear her in the next room sorting out a phone bill flub and using such a high register, I had to do a double take. Who is that talking? Not my mother. My mother was born and bred in Arkansas and uses African American Vernacular English (AAVE) with her family and other blacks. But when she wanted to be taken seriously, she shifted.
I learned to shift too. At an early age, I knew not to say "ain't." I grew up not telling a white friend things like: "I'm tired of foolin' with Debbie, she's so triflin'." I knew in order to be taken seriously, I had to pronounce all of my "ing's."
I learned to go along to get along.
Shifting: The Double Lives of Black Women in America finally put a name to the performance I was forced to keep up all my life. Authors Charisse Jones and Kumea Shorter-Gooden unveils the balancing that black women in America do everyday in their professional and personal lives. Through a vast survey, Jones and Shorter-Gooden interviewed black women all over the country, all ages and socioeconomics backgrounds and found some startling and validating results.
I learned that black women have many myths to defy. High on the list were these:
- We are always strong. We are apparently very solid and stable and we can handle anything that comes our way because we have to. We have God and family. We are not tired or depressed by this at all.
- We are full of attitude. It's difficult to deal with black women because we're hot-headed and mouthy.
- We are promiscuous. We are very sexual being, known to be loose and cavalier with partners. Which would explain all of the babies we have out of wed-lock. The opposite of this myth is our asexuality based on old fashioned Mammy characters of slavery narratives.
- We are incompetent. Black women are not educated and can't be trusted to do the simplest of tasks like find jobs, raise children, ect. A black woman's manner of speech is obviously evidence of this.
- We are criminals. In the welfare and out-right shoplifting sense. That's why we should be followed around department stores.
I worry about this sort of thing at least once a day. Everyday perceptions of other people effect me greatly, even though I'd like to think they don't. I watch the way I dress when I go out. Nothing too revealing or youngish or over-ethnic. I'm careful about the words I choose when I'm trying to take care of business, just like my mother. I try not to talk about race relations when I'm around certain whites. If I'm forced to, I'm very vague and indifferent.
Shifting reveals that all black women are unpaid and unappreciated ambassadors of their whole race. Few other groups in America are under such pressure. The stories told in this book are so alive with emotion, I found myself nodding in agreement to almost all of them. These were candid stories that I had already lived. I knew what it was like to propositioned by white men (and black men) I didn't know solely on the basis that I was black, female and obviously ready for sex. To them, it was widely known fact, perpetuated by media and history. It's just one of many myth, I have to fight tirelessly against.
All throughout my college career I had doubts of my own intelligence because I was taught that I would have to work doubly hard to be seen as smart and professional. When professors told me I was "so unique." I was instantly suspicious. Was I special because I wasn't like the black woman image they had in their minds? Was I so eloquent because they never met black women who spoke the King's English? I doubted my work and it's value because I believed one day, some one would find out what kind of fraud I was.
Looking over your shoulder at every turn and covering your tracks are hard things to do.
I thought I would share this book review with you because I feel like black women experience very similar issues. The sad thing is that we can't talk about it. The fear of exposing our magic trick seems fatal. If people knew what kind "fakes" we were, it would destroy us. But, if people knew what kind of torment we lived in on a daily basis, it could save someone else's life. Speaking up could lighten the load we feel.
I suggest you read this book if you feel like you're under pressure from an entity you can't name. It's might be called Shifting, and it might be wearing you down. Talk about it with a sister.